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Growing Pains

Growing up is a scary thing and in all honesty, I can't stand it.

I don't understand that at the age of 18 and now being considered an adult I have to act differently and all my old childish but comforting habits need to be demolished. I don't understand why I get disapproving looks when I don't do things others my age do.

Now that college is over people of my age are making the exciting transition to Uni or full time work, but mainly uni.

I'm not doing this.

I've just came out of college with an BTEC Extended diploma and a Sup diploma in forensic science. It's more than enough to get me into uni but I'm going back for a 3rd year at the hell hole more commonly know as college to study business.

When people ask why I'm not going to Uni in September my reply is usually along the lines of "I have a years left of funding and I want to make the most of it." This isn't a lie. I do have a years left of free funding so I might as well get another qualification. However, it's not the real reason. The real answer is simply that I'm not ready for Uni.

I can't cope with the change.
I can't cope with moving out at the moment.
I can't look after myself at home, let alone in a new environment.

I'm not ready for the next step of my life just yet. In a years time I probably will be, but just not right now.

Tonight I'm starting to realise just how much further I need to go in accepting myself.

I came back from my usual Tuesday as a leader at Guides in a grey mood. A little different from our usual evening gave me some time with others my age what got me down.

When I get down I tend to hide my differences and simply pretend my quirks don't exists. It's something I've done since a little kid. Sure oppressing traits that make up who I am is very damaging an I will never recommend it but it made me feel better. I thought that as long as I was fitting in, it didn't matter what I was feeling. I just needed to fit in.

This evening though for the first time I didn't bottle it down.

I spoke to my mum about it and discussed what was stressing me out at the moment.

We printed off some sheets to help create some sort of routine for me and talked about how I could work around things. It's the first time I've faced it. I'ts not all sorted but it was an honest and open start in trying to make things work and accepting my quirks that I try so hard to hide.

It was nice and in some ways it's helped me feel a little bit more grown up.

I still can't stand growing up. To become a valuable member of society that has a home, a job, pays bills, has a family is something that seems impossible for me at the moment. But it's something that I'm going to have to do.

It's only now though that I'm realising that I can grow up to be me. It might not have to be as painful as I first though. Others might find what I do to cope and adapt as strange but that's to be expected. Everyone has growing pains at some point, maybe that's be how mine show themselves. But tonight I manged to take a tiny step forward in accepting me.

It's only a tiny step and I have a long way to go but it was a start.



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Shy girl speaks

In the movies the shy girl will speak.
She'll find a man that understands and she will be come brave.
Clenched hands she will rise to the stage,
Her audience a sea of those who doubted her.

In the movie she opens her mouth and starlight comes out.
An enigma unraveled in the pale blue of her voices.
People sit shocked, unable to move.
They listen to her voice like their new favorite tune.

In the movie she is loved.
They surround her in a summers embrace.
When the day turn grey they rush to her side.
Holding her close, her tears fall no more.

Life isn't a movie though, the shy girl won' be loved.
She will speak of course, but they're not listening.
Her voice isn't going to hold them captivate, no.
There won't be anyone to run to her side.

When the shy girl speaks it will be too late.
They've all gone home.
She knows deep down though, she wasn't welcome to begin with.
Her tears will fall, alone.


More beautiful when broken.

A year or so ago I was at an even called New Wine.

During the week  went to a seminar called 'my friends scars'. It was all about self harm and how as a christian we can support recovery with people who self harm and how we can use the bible to help ourselves if we were struggling fighting it. I don't remember too much about it to be honest, much to my annoyance that year I was too shy to make notes during the seminar, this yea I learned my lesson and took a note book with me. However, 16 year old me did make one not on a scrap of paper, I sadly lost that piece of paper until this afternoon where I found it.

On that piece of paper was the word 'kintsukuroi'.

 kintsukuroi (sometimes known as Kintsugi) is a beautiful thing.From what i have read, it's origins is from Japan. Broken pottery is repaired, that's all it is. But instead of being repaired with glue, it's repaired with lacure that contains gold or other desirable metals. The outcome of these repai…