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But I didn't


Oddballs who have been following my blog from the start will know that this blog was a safe space for me to express my feelings. However, if you have only started reading my blog in the past few months I doubt you'll know this.

You see guys, I've kind of lost the reason that I created this blog to begin with. For people looking at my life through the window of my blog, my life must look like a shy person sitting in a coffee shop, writing poetry, level headed and planing to change the world. My posts have been wrote for other people and not for me. I've started writing an honest post like this one but deleted it, thinking that no one will want to read it, that I'll just come across as another attention seeking youth who is searching to blame their issues on anything but themselves.

I've wanted to talk about the feeling of knowing you've slipped and got worse and then having to face the dilemmas that come with that. Do I be honest with the people I love and tell them this (knowing full well that they're going to be disappointed and I'm going to lose their trust most probally). Or do I keep it to myself, risking getting worse but not hurting anyone yet having to deal with the guilt of that. But I never wrote that post. I didn't think anyone would be interested and that's wrong!  

I've wanted to scream, shout and cry about how much I'm hurting but I didn't say a word.

I didn't have the heart to post that.

I had my first panic attack on Sunday at church. I've been having anxiety attacks for years but this was my first panic attack. I wanted to talk about that, I want to get off my chest how much it hurt to have no one know how to deal with it. That all I wanted was someone to sit down and hold me whist I cried and calmed down, but I was left sitting on the floor by a cupboard afterward alone crying, trying to process what on earth had happened when everyone was upstairs having coffee and chatting or attempting to pack up. I wanted to talk about how thankful I felt toward my mum for helping but how betrayed I felt by other people for being forgotten.

I thought that'd come across as me being too attention seeking, so I never wrote it.

I've wanted to talk about the pain of being replaced at college, that someone new came about and I was forgotten in my friendship group. I wanted to talk about how that reignited my anxiety to where I'm so clingy, high matience and probally really annoying to the person I'm close too and love. I needed to get off my chest how much that hurt me, how much the thought of losing anyone else has suddenly became very scary and real, how I'm losing my social skills.

But I thought that it might scare some of my younger readers, who will soon be moving up to college, so I didn't write it.

I've wanted to talk about how I'm really struggling at church. That I'm trying to find God on a Sunday because I can't see Him but the people around me can. I've wanted to talking about my frustrations with my church and that I'm questioning my future there. But I'm too aware of my readers to ever post those thoughts.

I thought that talking openly about what I'm feeling at church and talking about my walk with God (keeping the private and more personal side of things to myself of course) could maybe put other off ever stepping foot in the place. I thought it would cause me to get a pile off abuse off people. So once again I didn't write it.

All of my posts are real. My poems are a real release for me and I love sharing the, with you guys. I love books and really enjoy talking about them.

However, they're not the reason I started this blog. Don't get me wrong I love talking about books and doing my poems (there's some really exciting things lined up so keep your eyes open for them!) but some of my more honest posts will be making their way back. I fully understand that they might not be the most exciting, inspiring or best punctuated to read but my blog isn't one of profit. I have no agreements, contracts, ties with company's or anything that means I need to get a certain number of views on each of my posts. The only pressure that comes from my blog is the ones that I've created myself.

I'm letting go of that pressure and starting to write freely again. I hope you can understand.

Arabella  

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