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The race that is life

Not too long back I turned 18, what's kind of a big thing for most.

So for most of my old school friends, they got absolutely hammered for their 18th, the photos that slowly leaked onto Facebook were quite funny I have to admit. I've never been one for drinking if I'm honest (I blame some slightly bad experiences as a child) but I just can't stand the taste or smell of alcohol.

 I have nothing against people drinking and I'm never going to judge someone for having a good time either, it's just not something I like (I also have a pretty self destructive personality at the moment so getting drunk is just opening the door for a whole load of potential for injury.)

So for my 18th I went away for a short break. I had a lovely time (they had the windows on the floor what was fantastic for me as I love sitting on the floor) There was no wifi where I was staying so it gave me a lot of time to think, without any real distractions.

When I came home from my little break I was quite sad to be honest, whilst I'd been fighting my battles so hard throughout the week, I had gotten better but for some reason I was sad.

It was only when I got home and thought about it some more I realised why I was down.

See, I spend a lot of time living in the past. It's one of my ultimate flaws. It makes change that little bit harder than it already is and sometimes I can lose perspective on where all the years went. When I came home I suddenly realised that I was now considered an adult by UK law. That though is pretty scary on its own but then that lead to a new trail of thought.

The more time I spend trying to live in the now, the more I realise just how far behind I've become.

Compared to others my age, I've fell behind in the race that is life.

I only have to look around social media to feel like a child again. Part of me wishes I could go out partying with my friends. Part of me wants to be able to drink alcohol. Part of me wishes I could be mentally and emotionally stable enough to move out of my house and look at going to University. Part of me wishes I was confident enough to take a gap year.

Part of me is really jealous of others my age.

I look around and see how far ahead my peers are. One of my friends is going to Uni this year and is planing to move out of home and rent a house with her boyfriend. Another is going to America for a exchange year with her 6th form. Others are going on frequent holidays abroad with each other. I have a friend who has two jobs and somehow manages them, a terrible home life and still makes time for her boyfriend. Not to mention another had a baby at 16 and is pregnant with her second.

Some of those things I'm not particularly wanting right now (there is no way I'm getting pregnant any time soon :p ) but for the others, I would like to be in the places that they are.

Thinking about me really upset me one night, it had really broke me down. I spent a while having an internal rant about how confused I was. I keep a journal and I just wrote and wrote about how much it hurt. My friends are out iving their lives and running the race and I'm at the back slogging along, or thats what I thought.

I was angry at myself for the possition I put myself in. I was angry that 6 years ago I belived that self harm was the answer to my pain. I was angry that I thought that stopping eating and losing weight would make me happy. I was angry that the feeling of losing control lead me to hurt myself. I was angry about the situation that developed at home, I was just hurt and that was expressed as anger that night.

As that litte rant progressed, I stared to write down everything they had that I didn't, but I soon stoped.

I realised I had one amazing thing that non of them had.

I have a relationship with God.

I get so caught up with the race hat is life that I forget about what matters the most. The more I think about it, I begin to realise that life isn't race, its not even a marathon. It's a journey.

Life's a long journey and not one that you're meant to walk a lone.

Right now on my journey I'm a little behind and complealy off the track..

Things have been happening and with college coming to the end and a whole load of assignments coming my way, I'm going to take a little step back from my blog. Nope, I'm not stopping my blog, but for these next few weeks I'm going to be focusing on my college work and getting thought till the end.

So posts will be very slow for the next few weeks, but I'll be back soon.



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