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The race that is life

Not too long back I turned 18, what's kind of a big thing for most.

So for most of my old school friends, they got absolutely hammered for their 18th, the photos that slowly leaked onto Facebook were quite funny I have to admit. I've never been one for drinking if I'm honest (I blame some slightly bad experiences as a child) but I just can't stand the taste or smell of alcohol.

 I have nothing against people drinking and I'm never going to judge someone for having a good time either, it's just not something I like (I also have a pretty self destructive personality at the moment so getting drunk is just opening the door for a whole load of potential for injury.)

So for my 18th I went away for a short break. I had a lovely time (they had the windows on the floor what was fantastic for me as I love sitting on the floor) There was no wifi where I was staying so it gave me a lot of time to think, without any real distractions.

When I came home from my little break I was quite sad to be honest, whilst I'd been fighting my battles so hard throughout the week, I had gotten better but for some reason I was sad.

It was only when I got home and thought about it some more I realised why I was down.

See, I spend a lot of time living in the past. It's one of my ultimate flaws. It makes change that little bit harder than it already is and sometimes I can lose perspective on where all the years went. When I came home I suddenly realised that I was now considered an adult by UK law. That though is pretty scary on its own but then that lead to a new trail of thought.

The more time I spend trying to live in the now, the more I realise just how far behind I've become.

Compared to others my age, I've fell behind in the race that is life.

I only have to look around social media to feel like a child again. Part of me wishes I could go out partying with my friends. Part of me wants to be able to drink alcohol. Part of me wishes I could be mentally and emotionally stable enough to move out of my house and look at going to University. Part of me wishes I was confident enough to take a gap year.

Part of me is really jealous of others my age.

I look around and see how far ahead my peers are. One of my friends is going to Uni this year and is planing to move out of home and rent a house with her boyfriend. Another is going to America for a exchange year with her 6th form. Others are going on frequent holidays abroad with each other. I have a friend who has two jobs and somehow manages them, a terrible home life and still makes time for her boyfriend. Not to mention another had a baby at 16 and is pregnant with her second.

Some of those things I'm not particularly wanting right now (there is no way I'm getting pregnant any time soon :p ) but for the others, I would like to be in the places that they are.

Thinking about me really upset me one night, it had really broke me down. I spent a while having an internal rant about how confused I was. I keep a journal and I just wrote and wrote about how much it hurt. My friends are out iving their lives and running the race and I'm at the back slogging along, or thats what I thought.

I was angry at myself for the possition I put myself in. I was angry that 6 years ago I belived that self harm was the answer to my pain. I was angry that I thought that stopping eating and losing weight would make me happy. I was angry that the feeling of losing control lead me to hurt myself. I was angry about the situation that developed at home, I was just hurt and that was expressed as anger that night.

As that litte rant progressed, I stared to write down everything they had that I didn't, but I soon stoped.

I realised I had one amazing thing that non of them had.

I have a relationship with God.

I get so caught up with the race hat is life that I forget about what matters the most. The more I think about it, I begin to realise that life isn't race, its not even a marathon. It's a journey.

Life's a long journey and not one that you're meant to walk a lone.

Right now on my journey I'm a little behind and complealy off the track..

Things have been happening and with college coming to the end and a whole load of assignments coming my way, I'm going to take a little step back from my blog. Nope, I'm not stopping my blog, but for these next few weeks I'm going to be focusing on my college work and getting thought till the end.

So posts will be very slow for the next few weeks, but I'll be back soon.



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Hiya all.

It's been a while since my last post hasn't it?

A lot has been happening in these past moths My life has taken a roller-coaster of a journey. One full of pain and excitement, love, self acceptance, hard conclusions and fear, lot of fear, it's been quite something.

During this time it might look like I've taken a break from blogging and in some ways this is true, I've taken a break from Acting Natural, but I've been blogging more than ever before.

So today I'd like to introduce you to Lost In The Story.

This is my main blog and is the reason I haven't posted in several moths, I've moved sites.

So why have I done this?

Reason one being that as a blogger I've started to expand and grow. I love Bloggers simplicity but as I started to write more I wished for more control of my blog and the only way I could do that was to move platforms. It's been a bit hard learning a much more complex system but I'm loving it.

I've also changed …

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In the movies the shy girl will speak.
She'll find a man that understands and she will be come brave.
Clenched hands she will rise to the stage,
Her audience a sea of those who doubted her.

In the movie she opens her mouth and starlight comes out.
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In the movie she is loved.
They surround her in a summers embrace.
When the day turn grey they rush to her side.
Holding her close, her tears fall no more.

Life isn't a movie though, the shy girl won' be loved.
She will speak of course, but they're not listening.
Her voice isn't going to hold them captivate, no.
There won't be anyone to run to her side.

When the shy girl speaks it will be too late.
They've all gone home.
She knows deep down though, she wasn't welcome to begin with.
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Now that we've safely stumbled into May it is time for my college course to be coming to an end. My friends are off to start the next chapter of their lives at Uni, some are going to spend a year in full time work and others are taking a gap year to get a deeper understanding of how the world works.

As for me?

I have no idea what I'm doing next.

Sure I have plans and fall back options just encase I don't find something better to do, but realistically I don't know what I want to do.

University is out of the question as I'm not confident enough in my future to get myself into thousands of pounds of debt, I'm not really in a position to pay the several thousand for my discipleship year, nor have I got enough funds to pay for the higher education course that I wanted to do at college. I have got an unconditional offer on a place studying business at my current college for a year, this is just my fall back option though, but I am glad to have it there.

Believe in yo…