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When it wins

When I get down I tend to look on pintrest and various other social media. Most times its to look at silly quotes like the one on the left.

Tonight is one of those times and being honest that silly little image couldn't feel more true. Whist this past week has been pretty crazy, there has been a lot of positive moments and there has been lots of times where I thought I could finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. But then you hear a familiar metallic screech that is a train and I'm knocked on my ass all over again.


So I feel like I've been hit by a train and right now, this evening, it really feels like my eating disorder has won.

It's been a difficult day, without realising it I was close to skipping breakfast, lunch was almost a complete failure with me feeling physically sick after eating a chocolate bar at college and my friends looked at me with concern after I cleared out almost 3 days worth of food out of my bag. Then at home even eating a apple was a challenge. I managed tea but that was more for show than wanting to eat. Even after cooking a whole load of bright green cupcakes I couldn't even manage eating on of them.

Right now I really do feel on the ground and this isn't the first time this has happened in the past month or so.

So what do you do when it wins?
What do I do when it wins?

My first instinct is to hide in my room, listen to music until I forget or become too tired, what I have done but now I'm downstairs trying to write this and have a light conversation with my brother. But that's not always a effective way of standing strong again, it is a small step though.


Once again another quote thing has made it's way on to my blog  (I'm sure they just appear on their own accord)  but I found this one a few days back. It's one that I really like, so much so, I've wrote it on my own little whiteboard in my room. It's quite a handy little one through, especially for someone like me who's issues stem from feeling a of loss of control.

See when it wins, when I will fully admit that I have anorexia and not just brush over it by generalizing it by saying I have an eating disorder, I can still control myself. I can still chose to stand up again even if I've been knocked on my back side time after time. I can chose to get up. I'm learning slowly that sometimes I need a helping hand. That this isn't something that I can face alone.

When it wins I can stay down or get beck up again. Trust me I really want to stay down, I want to let it win so badly. But I have to keep on going I guess. I'm told often that I'm stubborn and quite a few people can back me up on that. I don' always enjoy that personality trait of mine but maybe here it can work to my advantage. I've made promises to people that I'll get better, that I won't let it get worse and whilst I'm sure I've already broke those promises, sadly, I can still try and redeem myself and start afresh trying to keep them now.

When it wins I can look back and see how far I've come. I don't know the exact date that I developed this. I didn't decide one day "Hey, starving myself seems like an awesome idea, lets do it!!"That didn't happen until the habit were embedded in me, but I still know that it's been a year since I developed it. It was in the baby stages for my birthday and I know I didn't have it at the beginning of March 2016, so I can say it's been a year.
 I've had this for a year of my life.
What hurts. It sucks that I'm in this position but you know what? This past year hasn't exactly been all bad. I've had some pretty cool things happen in my life and had some pretty epic and amazing people with me every step of the way. This year has been a pain, I'd say I've been trying to recover for about 6 months and in the past month I've been trying to find the right mindset to go for real true recovery. When it wins I can look back and see just how far I've come.

When it wins, I can remember why I started recovery. I can remember what drove me to get better, who drove me to get better.I can try and find the mindset I was in when I was scared enough to get better. I can remember how I was scared to brush my hair because chunks fell out, how I was scared to wash my hair for the same reason. I can remember how scared I was when I was close to blacking out when I was doing practicals in the lab. How scared I was when I realised I'd tried to force myself to throw up.

When it wins, I might not always been strong enough to stand up .

When it wins, I can make the decision to fight back. Sure I might not want to, but I know I have to. Right at this moment I might not be strong enough to fight, but I know I will be.

When it wins, it's only giving me more flue to keep on going.

When it wins, I can rest in the knowledge that I'm loved.

When it wins, I know that it's victory will be sort lived because I'm stronger than my eating disorder.

When it wins, It's only making me stronger.

There is a light at the end of the tunnel guys, and I can promise you it's not a train.


Keep of smiling guys,
Ella.








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