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Lonely nights

Hiya all. 

I'm just warning you all that this might turn into a bit of a rant post or quite a raw one so TRIGGER WARNING because I'm not in a good place and chances are I'm going to talk about some nasty stuff. 

I originally wanted to write a poem tonight, I thought it would be a kinder way for me to vent without going into too much detail for you guys. But I thought about it and figured that subjecting you all to my terrible non existent poetry skills would just be too mean. So ramble it is!!! 

When I first started this blog I wrote myself a set of rules. I made this blog as a safe space for me but I was very aware that my blog is on the Internet and you guys can read it. So to keep things safe for you guys I created these rules. These rules were that I would be honest with you but I would be careful. I would never make self harm look pretty, I would never be proana on my blog, I would never say how I self harmed or what methods I found to be the most successful. I said I would use my blog to build people up and not break them down. I promised myself that if my blog ever got successful I would always encourage you all. 

So they're my rules for this blog. So why am I telling you this this? 

I'm telling you guys this because I really need to have a rant about self harm tonight and I wanted to start off with my rules so you guys could keep me accountable for this post. If I break any of them tonight, pop me a message and I'll review this post :) 

So let's start off with this week. 

This week so far has been epic. To pass my college course you have to do a weeks work experience. I decided that I would go with the school Christian worker project, what's basically a organisation that goes into schools to tell and teach kids about God. (It's an epic organisation and I will go into more detail about this week in another post) . So I've been shadowing one of the people there and having an epic time. It's so cool to be with someone who seems to be so on fire for God. 

So my days have been awesome. But I come home and crash. I guess I'm on such a high throughout the day that when I stop I crash. These crashes have been terrible because they come in the form of me wanting to self harm. Not really sure why, but I I just come home and dive and in my vulnerability old habits make themselves known. 

I'm usually quite good with dealing with it, I usually talk to a friend but this week, tonight especially, I couldn't tell them what was happening behind the scenes. I'm currently convinced that they hate me and can't stand me, what really really hurts. I know it's not true but right now all I can think of is that they hate me and think I'm a nuance and that hurts so much because they mean the world to me. So that made not self harming even harder. But I haven't harmed. I have a coping strategy that is quite effective. 

I don't really know who reads my blog so send harm might not be something you ever have to face and that's cool. But I think I can garentee you that you will know someone who self harms or used to. You might think you don't but I know 14 people who self harm and several that I suspect of doing it. I don't socialise much, so for me to know 14 people who have /currently self harm can highlight how common it is. So knowing a coping strategy could always come in handy. 

I found it on the Internet and I think it's becoming a more know method of coping what is awesome because it's really good. The general idea is that you draw instead of harm. You get a soft pen ( not a biro or fineliner) and draw what you want to do. You do it on the place where you want to harm and you just draw. 

You can draw exactly what you want to do or you can get creative. I used to express what I wanted to do and leave it at that, but now I like to use it as a distraction. I look online and find a cool tattoo design that I like, then replicate it on me in pen. And because I don't use sharpie, it comes off in the wash. For me it works because I'm physically feeling a sensation where I want to harm, I can visually see something as a result of it, doing a tattoo design will distract me after a while, it gives me a sense of control because I chose the tattoo design and best of all im not hurting myself by doing it. 

I've been fighting with self harm for 6 years now, I'm 1 year and 4 months clean of it but the fight is still very real. I thought that I was doing something wrong as I still get really bad urges to do it (like tonight) but after doing some research I'm not the only one who still struggles after a long time clean. For nights like tonight where I've had to face it alone because I can't talk to anyone about it, having a good coping strategy helps. If you have a favourite bible verse or know encouraging verses that's also really cool to go to as well. I know when the urge to self harm cones, God feels a million miles away but that's a lie. He's there. 

So I'm also going to throw in some links, just incase, as well. Keep on smiling guys. 

Child line 



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A year or so ago I was at an even called New Wine.

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