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So it's not too long past one o'clock in the morning as I write this, I can't sleep.

 I am however tired so please excuse the bad spelling and disorganisation of this post, tonight I'm writing more for me than anything else. Bad habits are calling and I need a distraction.

So this week I've been on holiday in Scotland. For the past 14 years I've spent a week in a Aviemore. It's been a pretty nice week, it's been full of challenges and lessons but it's been lovely. When I get home I'll upload some of the photos off my camera for you all.

Tomorrow I travel back, well technically today I travel back in 9 or so hours time. I probably should be sleeping :)

But let's talk about this week.

So every year I come here, we tend to do the same things every year. Both my mum and myself like photography so we have collections of photos showing how much we have changed over the years. It's nice being able too see how much I've grown and changed, sometime I like to put them all side by side and compare them. This year was no different. We visited the same places and took photos and we made memory's. However, this year has been one of my most insecure years. Usually I can put my issues behind me and just relax on holiday, sadly this wasn't the case this year.

I like too see progress. When I was a dancer I would take photos of me doing moves, a month or sometimes a year later I would take a photo and see how much better I had gotten. Progress made me feel like I was worth something. It made me feel good about myself.
So this year I knew I had the opportunity to see progress.
On one of the first day of the holiday we were going up to the base camp of the Cairngorm mountain. We go almost every year, last year we walked and up the mountain passed the ski runs and I sumited my second mountain. So I have a lot of photos of this place. More specifically I have photos of me in a certain area.
Two years ago I weighed a lot more than I did now. I was happy with my weight but I hated my face because it looked fat. I used to try and do face yoga and exercises just too lose the fat off it. Fun fact though, non of it worked. I have a photo of me by the bridge on the mountain that leads to the walking trails. It now is easily one of my least favorite photos. As vain as I sound, my face looks too fat.
I wanted to recreate this photo. I wanted to see progress. Now weighing less I thought that maybe I would be happier with how I look. So I was persistent and persuaded everyone that we needed to see this spot again. I also talked them into taking photos, it was a lovely view after all so it wasn't like it wasn't hard.

Feeling happy I stood in the same place and had a replica of that photo that was taken two years ago.
Progress is a good thing normally.

It's something to be proud off and not discouraged.

That photo was a bad example of progress. Days later,I feel bad about taking that photo and I don't feel the best about the comparison. It didn't bring me happiness and it wasn't something to be proud off.

Tonight I'm not really in a good place, so I want to celebrate good progress.

About four months ago I was limiting my calorie intake to 1000 per day, I had convinced myself I was eating 1500. The truth is I was eating anywhere between 400-600 a day. A few weeks ago I wrote down my calorie intake for a few days. Now I'm eating anywhere from 1000-1600 .

Two years ago I was a very shy person, to the point where I would no longer go into shops by myself or order food at a counter. Fast forward to now and I like spending time after my counseling sessions looking a round the few shops in town and ordering myself a hot chocolate.

At the age of 15 I decided I didn't want to live beyond the age of 20 and I decided that I wouldn't. I chose a college course that I thought would be fun so I could enjoy my last few years . I'm now looking into university and one day would like to have a family. I want to live a full and long life. I don't want to die.

This time last year I was too scared to go one public transport by myself. 2016 was the year that I caught a bus alone, two weeks ago I caught a train to Chester and navigated myself around.

7 months ago I would not answer a phone. I now have a job and love talking to customers and answering the phone.

I had a pretty nasty fear of needles for 11 years and refused to have a blood test done. With counseling and a the help of my best friend I had a blood test. 

9 months ago I could weigh myself up to 4 times a day. I loved the scales but hated the number. Now after a painful conversation I have thrown out those scaled and am only weighted by my GP.

The more I think about it the more proud I feel. Getting better is horrible. Changing how you think hurts. But looking at that list I have come so far. Sure it all hasn't been sunshine and rainbows, in the mist of all the good, I have taken some major steps back. Over the months I had thought I'd gotten nowhere. I was aware that I'd had small victory's like the ones above but I didn't think that they would very equate to anything, they only ever felt like very small steps forward. But combining those small steps in the right directions, I have walked a mile in my journey to getting better. There will be steps back, bad days and bad nights but I'm getting there slowly.

Tonight has been difficult.
My stubbornness can sometimes cause me pain. It can make me feel like I'm losing control when it's challenged and that leads to old habits making themselves known.
But I have come so far.
I can't give up now.
I won't give up .



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