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Covered up


How many times do you look in a mirror a day?

How long do you spend analysing what you look like?

How much pain do you feel when you see the person staring back at you?


For some people these answers will be easy. You might not look in the mirror too often or for that long. You might even like the person who looks back at you. That's cool and ok. But for some, theses questions might not be too nice. For me they are not.

Last Sunday my friend suggested a challenge to me. We were talking about body image. I expressed my concerns with how long I spent looking at myself in the mirror. I didn't want to come across as vain or attention seeking, but was just concerned by how much of my life revolved around my reflection. I could spend hours trying to figure out what bit of my body was too big, too small, where I needed to lose weight and where that dreaded fat was hiding. I spend so long planing what I'm going to do next, how I was going to improve myself next.

So they suggested a challenge.

Cover up my mirror and don't look at my reflection all day. 

Sounds easy?

I initially thought that would be cool, it'd be fine. The longer I though about it the more stressed I began to feel. I had college the next day, how was I supposed t get ready on the morning without looking in the mirror?

During the night I came down with a cold and I lost my voice. After some deliberation on the morning I decided that I wasn't going to go into college. I had done all my experiments in the lab and I saw no point spreading my cold and making all my friends ill as well.However, I was still determined to follow through with their challenge.

In the morning I covered up my mirror in my room and began a tally.Every time I wanted to look in the mirror I recorded it, I was curious as to how many times I went too look at myself.Not going to lie, I was mistaken about this being easy. Thought out he day I found myself glancing more and more at the material that covered up the mirror. I spent more and more time trying to be around things with a reflective surface so I could have some sort f idea of how I look.

I was stressed through out most the day, I might have been home alone but I felt like I had to look good. I felt that I had to keep up an appearance that things were ok. I was ill, I knew from past experiences that my skin would be pail, my lips chapped and my hair a mess. But somehow I still felt the need to act normal, too look normal.

Throughout the day I went to look at myself 34 times. That doesn't include all the times I went to look in any sort of shinny reflective surface either.

If I'm honest, I was expecting to get more out of that day. I wanted to be telling you all about some amazing break though I had, had during that day. But nothing happened. Sure it brought to my attention just how much time I spent starring at myself in the mirror, but other than that I got very little out of it.
But that could be a good thing.
Maybe that day I was trying to find peace in my reflection. I was looking to myself to find peace, yet all I found was stress and discomfort. If anything I ended up worse than when I took on the challenge. 

But a couple of days later, as I write this, I'm thinking of something different.

(This really wasn't the direction I thought this post would go, but I've just had a thought. It's a bit of a challenging one for me but I think I'll share it with you guys as well.)

Maybe I was looking to myself to find peace. I was searching for comfort in myself. I thought that I could find peace with my body if I stopped looking at it. If I ignored the problem things would feel better, I would feel better. But that's not true.

I'm internally kicking myself now because I've just realised how wrong I was. I was looking to myself to find peace about my body but where I should have been looking to was God.I know from past experiences that God is the only one who can bring me peace, He's the only one who can calm my heart. No matter how many times I've seen Doctors or been to counseling sessions, God is the only one who has changed anything, He's the only one who has made a difference. I'm not saying my counseling sessions are pointless (I would really recommend counselling) but what I'm trying to say is that God is the only one who is going to change things and I've ignored Him.

Throughout out that entire day I didn't ask for His help once. I didn't ask Him to help me, I just decided that I was strong enough to do it by myself. I decided that I didn't want Gods help and that was stupid. I didn't trust God enough to help me.

 I was looking to myself to find peace, yet all I found was stress and discomfort.

I highlighted that as I was writing this post and now, only a few minuets later, I'm realising just how true those words are. God has taken a backseat in my life, it's wrong, unsettling and makes me feel bad. But it's true. I've been feeling so confused, static and lost these past few weeks. I've been in a really bad way. I'm not sleeping enough, so on an evening when I go to read my bible I'm just too tired. I have this book that I'm reading along side my bible, it's really good, it has little daily reading and lessons and I really like it. It helps me study the bible by myself everyday. But that's all I've been doing. I haven't been reading it to spend time with God or deepen my relationship with Him at all, I've just been reading it because I've gotten into the habit of reading it.

I can't remember the last time I sat down with my bible and just spent time getting to know God with no phone, not distractions, no social media. I can't remember the last time I just turned everything off and spent time with God.

No wounder I've been in a bad place.

I looked to myself to try and get better but where I should have been looking was at God.

I'm not sure how to end this post and I'm really not sure what else I can say to you all. But I guess what I'm trying to point out to you all is don't let God take a back seat in your life. It's so easy for it to happen, we have work, college, crazy things happening at home, maybe you're like me and home life isn't the best at the moment, I don't know. But we live such busy lives that we forget the very person who saved it. Jesus died on the cross, He died for you and me. Sometimes I have to really sit and think about what that means. To think a person died for me is a massive thought, it makes me uncomfortable if I'm honest and soetime I really struggle comming to terms with it. Someone so loving and amazing died for someone as low, sinfull and bad as me. It's crazy to think that I'm letting God take a back seat in my life after all he's done for me.

I don't really know who reads these posts, I don' know what you're going through right now, I don't know what situation you are in or how you plan on dealing with that situation and I don't even know if you have any sort of relationship with God, you might not even know Him. But guys, please don't let God take a back seat in you're life.



Keep on smiling guys.
Ella.

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