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Don't be afraid to recover

I think I've mentioned my friends quite a few times now. I think I've also mentioned that non of them are in a particularly good place at this point in time and are all at different points on their individual roads of recovery and self acceptance.

But one thing I have noticed is that I am so influenced by my friends. I wouldn't say that they pressure me to do anything that I don't want to do but I am however very influenced by them subconsciously.

So my friends barley eat, and when I say barley eat I mean it. I have an eating disorder and I eat more then them! What worries me.

But here's the thing because they don't eat really, I always think that I'm a fake, I think that there is nothing wrong with me and I'm just being an attention seeking idiot. That frame of mind escalates and I end up in a very bad place. Or I think that because I have an eating disorder I should be eating less. I don't really have much of a social life, so my Friends are the only comparison to what someone my age should act and be like. I see how little they eat and think that, that is the correct amount.

Its taken a while to come to the conclusion that that is not true.

It's taken a while but I'm came to some quite painful conclusions.

Recovery is personal.

I am not fighting what my friends are fighting.

We might have similar issues on paper but that does not mean that I have to act like them.

I've learnt that recovery, true recovery, has to come from a person. No one can make you recover, not properly. You have to decide to recover. I CAN NOT MAKE MY FRIENDS GET BETTER! That hurts. I hate seeing them how they are. Yes I can still try to support them,and you know what? at points I don't want to it's too painful and triggering. But I can still try. I can not make them get better though. No matter how much I plead them too they won't, recovery has to come from a person, they have to decide to get better. I can't make them get better but I can make myself get better. I can not control their actions but I can control my own.

It's painful and difficult. They don't eat but I'm forcing myself to. The won't go anywhere near the canteen at lunch and I force myself to go. One of my biggest fears is that I will again weight, that one day I will go to college and I will be bigger than my friends. It's a stupid and vain fear but it still exists all the same. I realised that I had become so scared about this that I was afraid to recover, to fight my eating disorder as much as I could, with everything I had. I was afraid to allow myself a proper shot at recovery because I was still comparing myself to my friends.

Maybe I am the only one in this position. Maybe everyone else has supportive friends at college or work, I don't know. Maybe not everyone has friends who do not promote any sort of recovery at all. But at the end of the day I can not allow the people around me to stop me from recovering. Since my last recovery post, last month, I had relapsed ever so slightly.
 I woke up afraid today.
I was scared because I had no motivation to live or to do anything really. It's been a difficult day but I'm up, at college and have eaten. I won't lie,  I have isolated myself from my friends. By choosing to eat I am isolate myself from them, our friendship isn't as strong as it used to be. But do I really want these people in my life? I do not hate my friends but they are not good friends. They are not helping me, in fact they are helping me get worse.

I can not force my friends to get better. I can't make the decision for them to get better. I can however still be a friend to them. I can still encourage them. I can make the decision to get better. I can recover. I can make the decision not to be afraid to recover.


Ella. 


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More beautiful when broken.

A year or so ago I was at an even called New Wine.

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