Skip to main content

Don't be afraid to recover

I think I've mentioned my friends quite a few times now. I think I've also mentioned that non of them are in a particularly good place at this point in time and are all at different points on their individual roads of recovery and self acceptance.

But one thing I have noticed is that I am so influenced by my friends. I wouldn't say that they pressure me to do anything that I don't want to do but I am however very influenced by them subconsciously.

So my friends barley eat, and when I say barley eat I mean it. I have an eating disorder and I eat more then them! What worries me.

But here's the thing because they don't eat really, I always think that I'm a fake, I think that there is nothing wrong with me and I'm just being an attention seeking idiot. That frame of mind escalates and I end up in a very bad place. Or I think that because I have an eating disorder I should be eating less. I don't really have much of a social life, so my Friends are the only comparison to what someone my age should act and be like. I see how little they eat and think that, that is the correct amount.

Its taken a while to come to the conclusion that that is not true.

It's taken a while but I'm came to some quite painful conclusions.

Recovery is personal.

I am not fighting what my friends are fighting.

We might have similar issues on paper but that does not mean that I have to act like them.

I've learnt that recovery, true recovery, has to come from a person. No one can make you recover, not properly. You have to decide to recover. I CAN NOT MAKE MY FRIENDS GET BETTER! That hurts. I hate seeing them how they are. Yes I can still try to support them,and you know what? at points I don't want to it's too painful and triggering. But I can still try. I can not make them get better though. No matter how much I plead them too they won't, recovery has to come from a person, they have to decide to get better. I can't make them get better but I can make myself get better. I can not control their actions but I can control my own.

It's painful and difficult. They don't eat but I'm forcing myself to. The won't go anywhere near the canteen at lunch and I force myself to go. One of my biggest fears is that I will again weight, that one day I will go to college and I will be bigger than my friends. It's a stupid and vain fear but it still exists all the same. I realised that I had become so scared about this that I was afraid to recover, to fight my eating disorder as much as I could, with everything I had. I was afraid to allow myself a proper shot at recovery because I was still comparing myself to my friends.

Maybe I am the only one in this position. Maybe everyone else has supportive friends at college or work, I don't know. Maybe not everyone has friends who do not promote any sort of recovery at all. But at the end of the day I can not allow the people around me to stop me from recovering. Since my last recovery post, last month, I had relapsed ever so slightly.
 I woke up afraid today.
I was scared because I had no motivation to live or to do anything really. It's been a difficult day but I'm up, at college and have eaten. I won't lie,  I have isolated myself from my friends. By choosing to eat I am isolate myself from them, our friendship isn't as strong as it used to be. But do I really want these people in my life? I do not hate my friends but they are not good friends. They are not helping me, in fact they are helping me get worse.

I can not force my friends to get better. I can't make the decision for them to get better. I can however still be a friend to them. I can still encourage them. I can make the decision to get better. I can recover. I can make the decision not to be afraid to recover.


Ella. 


Comments

Popular Posts

EXCITING NEWS!

Hiya all.

It's been a while since my last post hasn't it?

A lot has been happening in these past moths My life has taken a roller-coaster of a journey. One full of pain and excitement, love, self acceptance, hard conclusions and fear, lot of fear, it's been quite something.

During this time it might look like I've taken a break from blogging and in some ways this is true, I've taken a break from Acting Natural, but I've been blogging more than ever before.



So today I'd like to introduce you to Lost In The Story.

This is my main blog and is the reason I haven't posted in several moths, I've moved sites.

So why have I done this?

Reason one being that as a blogger I've started to expand and grow. I love Bloggers simplicity but as I started to write more I wished for more control of my blog and the only way I could do that was to move platforms. It's been a bit hard learning a much more complex system but I'm loving it.

I've also changed …

Growing Pains

Growing up is a scary thing and in all honesty, I can't stand it.

I don't understand that at the age of 18 and now being considered an adult I have to act differently and all my old childish but comforting habits need to be demolished. I don't understand why I get disapproving looks when I don't do things others my age do.

Now that college is over people of my age are making the exciting transition to Uni or full time work, but mainly uni.

I'm not doing this.

I've just came out of college with an BTEC Extended diploma and a Sup diploma in forensic science. It's more than enough to get me into uni but I'm going back for a 3rd year at the hell hole more commonly know as college to study business.

When people ask why I'm not going to Uni in September my reply is usually along the lines of "I have a years left of funding and I want to make the most of it." This isn't a lie. I do have a years left of free funding so I might as well get anot…

Growing up

Now that we've safely stumbled into May it is time for my college course to be coming to an end. My friends are off to start the next chapter of their lives at Uni, some are going to spend a year in full time work and others are taking a gap year to get a deeper understanding of how the world works.

As for me?

I have no idea what I'm doing next.

Sure I have plans and fall back options just encase I don't find something better to do, but realistically I don't know what I want to do.

University is out of the question as I'm not confident enough in my future to get myself into thousands of pounds of debt, I'm not really in a position to pay the several thousand for my discipleship year, nor have I got enough funds to pay for the higher education course that I wanted to do at college. I have got an unconditional offer on a place studying business at my current college for a year, this is just my fall back option though, but I am glad to have it there.


Believe in yo…