Skip to main content

At the end of the day (Matthew 6:24)

Things have been very difficult lately.

I've been so miserable, confused, hurt, anxious and just in a bad place for the past few weeks. Nothing too bad has triggered anything but in general I have just been bad. Without fully realising it I had, had a major relapse in my eating. I went through denial, anger, hurt, confrontations and finally acceptance. I'm not fully ok as I write this but I am way stronger than I have been over these last few weeks and because of this I wanted to share something with you all.

I won't kid myself and say that I know loads about the bible. I can't recite it off by heart, I can't remember my favorite verse off the top of my head and I most certainly do not understand everything in it. However, I do like to read it. For me having a genuine relationship with God was more important than being able to recite the bible off by heart. But naturally my relationship with him does get better the more I read my bible.

I have a notebook that I keep with my bible so I can write notes or write down anything that I think is important, I also use colour coded pencils to read and understand it in more depth. One of the days when I was reading the book of Matthew I came across something that made me stop and think. It was a little home truth moment that I have been thinking about a lot again this week. For me it is a very challenging verse that makes me stop and think.

That verse is Matthew 6:24 (the bit colored in blue on the photo) This little paragraph, more specifically the blue bit, has been a real challenge to me these past few days.



NO ONE CAN SERVE TWO MASTERS


When i came across this verse a while back I was also going through a  difficult time with my eating disorder but when I came across this verse I came to a rather brutal conclusion that I have been struggling to accept once again these past few weeks. I wanted to take a photo of my notes but there is a few other things on that page that I'm not wiling to share so I'm going to write out what I wrote then.

No one can serve 2 masters

I can't have my E.D (eating disorder) and God. I can't hold them at equal value.

GOD LOVES ME!!!


My E.D will only cause me pain.

I can't serve God and my E.D. I have to chose and I have to stick to that choice.

I chose God!

At the end of the day God loves me and my eating disorder will only cause me pain. Like I said earlier, I don't know loads about the bible. I can't break apart that verses, analyze it and the go out on the streets and preach about it. But what I do know is that God loves me. Some days I can't seem to accept that but at the end of the day the fact is God loves me and I can not serve two masters. 

Currently in my life I have my eating disorder and I have God. Being honest I would say that I spend more time thinking about my eating disorder than I do about God. THIS IS NOT OK. That verse is painful for me because for me it blatantly says I have to chose between God and my eating disorder. It's not a decision that I ever wanted to make. Maybe I'm reading it wrong but fr me that is what it says. I know at the end of the verse it talks about money, but I don't care for money. Currently as a teenager money does not consume my life but what consuming my life is my eating disorder. So in my eyes I could use the same principle and idea for my eating disorder. 

By choosing God it does not mean that my eating disorder will go in a flash. It does mean however, that I can learn to trust God. It's going to be so difficult but over time I can learn to view myself how God sees me. It really will be a challenge but one day I might get there. 

I can't serve two masters.

I'm making the decision to serve God.

Ella. 



Comments

Popular Posts

EXCITING NEWS!

Hiya all.

It's been a while since my last post hasn't it?

A lot has been happening in these past moths My life has taken a roller-coaster of a journey. One full of pain and excitement, love, self acceptance, hard conclusions and fear, lot of fear, it's been quite something.

During this time it might look like I've taken a break from blogging and in some ways this is true, I've taken a break from Acting Natural, but I've been blogging more than ever before.



So today I'd like to introduce you to Lost In The Story.

This is my main blog and is the reason I haven't posted in several moths, I've moved sites.

So why have I done this?

Reason one being that as a blogger I've started to expand and grow. I love Bloggers simplicity but as I started to write more I wished for more control of my blog and the only way I could do that was to move platforms. It's been a bit hard learning a much more complex system but I'm loving it.

I've also changed …

Growing Pains

Growing up is a scary thing and in all honesty, I can't stand it.

I don't understand that at the age of 18 and now being considered an adult I have to act differently and all my old childish but comforting habits need to be demolished. I don't understand why I get disapproving looks when I don't do things others my age do.

Now that college is over people of my age are making the exciting transition to Uni or full time work, but mainly uni.

I'm not doing this.

I've just came out of college with an BTEC Extended diploma and a Sup diploma in forensic science. It's more than enough to get me into uni but I'm going back for a 3rd year at the hell hole more commonly know as college to study business.

When people ask why I'm not going to Uni in September my reply is usually along the lines of "I have a years left of funding and I want to make the most of it." This isn't a lie. I do have a years left of free funding so I might as well get anot…

Growing up

Now that we've safely stumbled into May it is time for my college course to be coming to an end. My friends are off to start the next chapter of their lives at Uni, some are going to spend a year in full time work and others are taking a gap year to get a deeper understanding of how the world works.

As for me?

I have no idea what I'm doing next.

Sure I have plans and fall back options just encase I don't find something better to do, but realistically I don't know what I want to do.

University is out of the question as I'm not confident enough in my future to get myself into thousands of pounds of debt, I'm not really in a position to pay the several thousand for my discipleship year, nor have I got enough funds to pay for the higher education course that I wanted to do at college. I have got an unconditional offer on a place studying business at my current college for a year, this is just my fall back option though, but I am glad to have it there.


Believe in yo…