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At the end of the day (Matthew 6:24)

Things have been very difficult lately.

I've been so miserable, confused, hurt, anxious and just in a bad place for the past few weeks. Nothing too bad has triggered anything but in general I have just been bad. Without fully realising it I had, had a major relapse in my eating. I went through denial, anger, hurt, confrontations and finally acceptance. I'm not fully ok as I write this but I am way stronger than I have been over these last few weeks and because of this I wanted to share something with you all.

I won't kid myself and say that I know loads about the bible. I can't recite it off by heart, I can't remember my favorite verse off the top of my head and I most certainly do not understand everything in it. However, I do like to read it. For me having a genuine relationship with God was more important than being able to recite the bible off by heart. But naturally my relationship with him does get better the more I read my bible.

I have a notebook that I keep with my bible so I can write notes or write down anything that I think is important, I also use colour coded pencils to read and understand it in more depth. One of the days when I was reading the book of Matthew I came across something that made me stop and think. It was a little home truth moment that I have been thinking about a lot again this week. For me it is a very challenging verse that makes me stop and think.

That verse is Matthew 6:24 (the bit colored in blue on the photo) This little paragraph, more specifically the blue bit, has been a real challenge to me these past few days.



NO ONE CAN SERVE TWO MASTERS


When i came across this verse a while back I was also going through a  difficult time with my eating disorder but when I came across this verse I came to a rather brutal conclusion that I have been struggling to accept once again these past few weeks. I wanted to take a photo of my notes but there is a few other things on that page that I'm not wiling to share so I'm going to write out what I wrote then.

No one can serve 2 masters

I can't have my E.D (eating disorder) and God. I can't hold them at equal value.

GOD LOVES ME!!!


My E.D will only cause me pain.

I can't serve God and my E.D. I have to chose and I have to stick to that choice.

I chose God!

At the end of the day God loves me and my eating disorder will only cause me pain. Like I said earlier, I don't know loads about the bible. I can't break apart that verses, analyze it and the go out on the streets and preach about it. But what I do know is that God loves me. Some days I can't seem to accept that but at the end of the day the fact is God loves me and I can not serve two masters. 

Currently in my life I have my eating disorder and I have God. Being honest I would say that I spend more time thinking about my eating disorder than I do about God. THIS IS NOT OK. That verse is painful for me because for me it blatantly says I have to chose between God and my eating disorder. It's not a decision that I ever wanted to make. Maybe I'm reading it wrong but fr me that is what it says. I know at the end of the verse it talks about money, but I don't care for money. Currently as a teenager money does not consume my life but what consuming my life is my eating disorder. So in my eyes I could use the same principle and idea for my eating disorder. 

By choosing God it does not mean that my eating disorder will go in a flash. It does mean however, that I can learn to trust God. It's going to be so difficult but over time I can learn to view myself how God sees me. It really will be a challenge but one day I might get there. 

I can't serve two masters.

I'm making the decision to serve God.

Ella. 



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More beautiful when broken.

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