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Moving On


So I didn't post anything on Monday...

I'd lost most motivation do anything really and that included my blog. 

I'm doing ok, but at the same time I'm not, and that's what I'm going to talk about today...

I have had a some pretty big set backs these past few days. Nothing bad has happened exactly to trigger things but I know things haven't been too good. I'm back eating very little and starting to count calories to a big extent.

 But I'm ok. I'm tired of things, I know something is wrong, but I'm ok.

As an aspiring author that quote really appeals to me. I love throwing plot twists in randomly when it comes to my own book that I'm writing, so for some reason I find it quite comforting.

But other than focusing on the 'plot twist' bit of the quote, I want to focus on the 'moving on' bit. I know that I personally really struggle from 'moving on' from any bad things that might have happened to me, and trust me when I say this, but this week has been full of bad things.

I have had a panic attack at my friends house, felt sick every time I smelt food, Have had an argument with my mum, came close to falling out with my friend of 14yrs, almost blacked out, been ill, was so close to throwing up every time I ate and struggled finding motivation to live and wake up on a morning.

This week had been crap and yet I'm ok.

Every fibre of me wants to focus on how bad this week has been. I want to cling on to it like my life depends on it. I want to mull over in my mind everything I could have done better, I want to torment myself for hours about how I should have known better about how I should have stopped that panic attack from happening. But I can't let myself think like that anymore.

My problem is that I can't move on. I can't have something bad happen to me, shrug my shoulder and then just move on. I CAN'T DO that. I am a naturally negative person but I want to start challenging my negativity. I don't want to cling on to these bad things any longer. I want to move on!

I'm ok because I've decided to hold onto the good that happened this week. It's been hard but I'm managing.

Yesterday I managed a massive milestone in my recovery. I haven't self harmed in a year! Yesterday was the year milestone. It has been a hard year but with God, and some very good friends I've managed to do what I though was impossible. 

This week has been crap but getting through yesterday makes it possible for me to say that I'm ok. I know not every week I will have such a fantastic achievement to hold on too. I know that some weeks I will feel like I haven't got a single thing to cling too. But I know that I can change how I think.

I can't always control what happens to me. I can't prevent every bad thing, somethings I can and I will. But I can and will change how I think. I can challenge my negativity,I can challenge the way I think. I can make the decision to yell 'plot twist' when something bad happens and I can make the decision to move on. It will be hard but it really is possible.

Ella.
 

Comments

  1. congratulations on finding the strength to face your demons and rise above it!! i don't know you, of course, but i really admire your perspective, especially when i know exactly what you mean about suffocating in the negatives when they block out the light! but you seem like a very resilient person whether you realise that or not, and i wish you all the best!! xx
    thinking since 98

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More beautiful when broken.

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