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Update on things

So it's been a little while since I did an update on how my recovery was going. I wasn't too sure where to start with this so I'm just going to write. I apologies now if this is bad and doesn't flow very well. I just wanted to vent today, what means this is going to be a very long, honest post, sorry.

So one of the main areas that I find particularly stressful is eating out, this could be at a friends house, at a restaurant or anywhere that isn't in my usual environment. This is the one area that I know is completely caused by anxiety and not my bad relationship with food... normally. In someway I think I've taken a step backwards, only a small one but it's a step back all the same. That step back is that I'm starting to count calories far more and with accuracy as well. I never used to do this, manly because I didn't like mental maths. That hasn't changed but I find myself doing it on almost everything that comes with packaging.

My friends like eating out. There is a KFC by my college and they go there twice a week minimum in the summer. I don't tend to go with them, usually I find myself in the library bogging when they have gone. But lately I've been trying to spend more time with people and less time by myself, this mean I now go with them. KFC and most other fast food chains now show how many calories are in their products. Here is where I've tripped up slightly. I don't eat when I'm there now. The food there is pretty good, but I don't want to eat it because it has a fair whack of calories in it. Calories make me fat. I know that's a pretty brutal way of thinking and way of putting it, but that's my opinion right now. I wouldn't recommend ever thinking like that, please take it from me that you really do not want to think this way.

So I'm not eating with my friends at the moment, I eat my pre made lunch from home instead.  But I guess that's better than eating nothing, even if I don't eat a lot of it.

I try to limit myself to 1000 calories a day. This does NOT happen. I'm not very strict in this area just yet. I AIM for that but it doesn't happen. I worked it out that I eat about 1500 a day. Lower than what I'm meant to eat, but considerably more than what I aim for. I'm ok with this at the moment. I know I shouldn't but like I said I taken a tiny step backward in this area.

Eating at home is the complete opposite to eating out. Things have improved in this area. I'm eating breakfast on a morning, it's not always a lot but it's better than before. I'm also eating my tea and having snacks!! Things at home have improved so, so much. What's a real relief a it means that I'm at least going to have one solid meal a day. So that's a real positive to be happy about.

I'm a little bit more responsible now when it comes to eating when I'm home alone or left to my own device. I still struggle with things, but I can eat and not feel sick automatically. I don't want to eat but my GP explained to me that I needed to think of food as flue. She said that if you didn't put petrol in a car it would stop working after a while, not because it was broken but because there is no fuel in it. I can get and understand that, so she told me that my body was like a car and food was the fuel. It didn't matter if I wanted to eat or not. My body would stop working after a while if I didn't put any fuel in it.I'm too too sure why this had an impact on me but it did. It changed my way of thinking about food. So when I'm alone I try to put some sort of fuel in my body. Not a lot, but some. So that's a little bit of progress.

But my self confidence has been shattered again though. Because I've been eating more I think I have put on a tiny bit of weight. Physically that is a positive but mentally its horrible. I feel terrible abut it, I think I look terrible because of it. So that sucks.

I'll be honest, I'm in a bad place. I really want my posts to end on a positive, especially since I know that more people are reading my blog now. But I can't at the moment. I designed this as a safe space for me to vent, to get my emotions out safely. So that's what this post is.

 I am finding things so hard. I am reaching so many goals and mile stones and yet at the same time I feel empty. In the day I can ignore it, I can put on a brave face and carry on with my life, but when I'm alone I feel nothing.

I'm not sure what to do.

So yeah, that's where things are at, at the moment. I really wish I could be more positive but I just can't do that tonight. But I'll carry on and things should get better soon.


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Hiya all.

It's been a while since my last post hasn't it?

A lot has been happening in these past moths My life has taken a roller-coaster of a journey. One full of pain and excitement, love, self acceptance, hard conclusions and fear, lot of fear, it's been quite something.

During this time it might look like I've taken a break from blogging and in some ways this is true, I've taken a break from Acting Natural, but I've been blogging more than ever before.

So today I'd like to introduce you to Lost In The Story.

This is my main blog and is the reason I haven't posted in several moths, I've moved sites.

So why have I done this?

Reason one being that as a blogger I've started to expand and grow. I love Bloggers simplicity but as I started to write more I wished for more control of my blog and the only way I could do that was to move platforms. It's been a bit hard learning a much more complex system but I'm loving it.

I've also changed …

Shy girl speaks

In the movies the shy girl will speak.
She'll find a man that understands and she will be come brave.
Clenched hands she will rise to the stage,
Her audience a sea of those who doubted her.

In the movie she opens her mouth and starlight comes out.
An enigma unraveled in the pale blue of her voices.
People sit shocked, unable to move.
They listen to her voice like their new favorite tune.

In the movie she is loved.
They surround her in a summers embrace.
When the day turn grey they rush to her side.
Holding her close, her tears fall no more.

Life isn't a movie though, the shy girl won' be loved.
She will speak of course, but they're not listening.
Her voice isn't going to hold them captivate, no.
There won't be anyone to run to her side.

When the shy girl speaks it will be too late.
They've all gone home.
She knows deep down though, she wasn't welcome to begin with.
Her tears will fall, alone.


Growing up

Now that we've safely stumbled into May it is time for my college course to be coming to an end. My friends are off to start the next chapter of their lives at Uni, some are going to spend a year in full time work and others are taking a gap year to get a deeper understanding of how the world works.

As for me?

I have no idea what I'm doing next.

Sure I have plans and fall back options just encase I don't find something better to do, but realistically I don't know what I want to do.

University is out of the question as I'm not confident enough in my future to get myself into thousands of pounds of debt, I'm not really in a position to pay the several thousand for my discipleship year, nor have I got enough funds to pay for the higher education course that I wanted to do at college. I have got an unconditional offer on a place studying business at my current college for a year, this is just my fall back option though, but I am glad to have it there.

Believe in yo…