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Update on things

So it's been a little while since I did an update on how my recovery was going. I wasn't too sure where to start with this so I'm just going to write. I apologies now if this is bad and doesn't flow very well. I just wanted to vent today, what means this is going to be a very long, honest post, sorry.

So one of the main areas that I find particularly stressful is eating out, this could be at a friends house, at a restaurant or anywhere that isn't in my usual environment. This is the one area that I know is completely caused by anxiety and not my bad relationship with food... normally. In someway I think I've taken a step backwards, only a small one but it's a step back all the same. That step back is that I'm starting to count calories far more and with accuracy as well. I never used to do this, manly because I didn't like mental maths. That hasn't changed but I find myself doing it on almost everything that comes with packaging.

My friends like eating out. There is a KFC by my college and they go there twice a week minimum in the summer. I don't tend to go with them, usually I find myself in the library bogging when they have gone. But lately I've been trying to spend more time with people and less time by myself, this mean I now go with them. KFC and most other fast food chains now show how many calories are in their products. Here is where I've tripped up slightly. I don't eat when I'm there now. The food there is pretty good, but I don't want to eat it because it has a fair whack of calories in it. Calories make me fat. I know that's a pretty brutal way of thinking and way of putting it, but that's my opinion right now. I wouldn't recommend ever thinking like that, please take it from me that you really do not want to think this way.

So I'm not eating with my friends at the moment, I eat my pre made lunch from home instead.  But I guess that's better than eating nothing, even if I don't eat a lot of it.

I try to limit myself to 1000 calories a day. This does NOT happen. I'm not very strict in this area just yet. I AIM for that but it doesn't happen. I worked it out that I eat about 1500 a day. Lower than what I'm meant to eat, but considerably more than what I aim for. I'm ok with this at the moment. I know I shouldn't but like I said I taken a tiny step backward in this area.

Eating at home is the complete opposite to eating out. Things have improved in this area. I'm eating breakfast on a morning, it's not always a lot but it's better than before. I'm also eating my tea and having snacks!! Things at home have improved so, so much. What's a real relief a it means that I'm at least going to have one solid meal a day. So that's a real positive to be happy about.

I'm a little bit more responsible now when it comes to eating when I'm home alone or left to my own device. I still struggle with things, but I can eat and not feel sick automatically. I don't want to eat but my GP explained to me that I needed to think of food as flue. She said that if you didn't put petrol in a car it would stop working after a while, not because it was broken but because there is no fuel in it. I can get and understand that, so she told me that my body was like a car and food was the fuel. It didn't matter if I wanted to eat or not. My body would stop working after a while if I didn't put any fuel in it.I'm too too sure why this had an impact on me but it did. It changed my way of thinking about food. So when I'm alone I try to put some sort of fuel in my body. Not a lot, but some. So that's a little bit of progress.

But my self confidence has been shattered again though. Because I've been eating more I think I have put on a tiny bit of weight. Physically that is a positive but mentally its horrible. I feel terrible abut it, I think I look terrible because of it. So that sucks.

I'll be honest, I'm in a bad place. I really want my posts to end on a positive, especially since I know that more people are reading my blog now. But I can't at the moment. I designed this as a safe space for me to vent, to get my emotions out safely. So that's what this post is.

 I am finding things so hard. I am reaching so many goals and mile stones and yet at the same time I feel empty. In the day I can ignore it, I can put on a brave face and carry on with my life, but when I'm alone I feel nothing.

I'm not sure what to do.

So yeah, that's where things are at, at the moment. I really wish I could be more positive but I just can't do that tonight. But I'll carry on and things should get better soon.


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