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Recovery

So it's been about a month an a half into my recovery and things are going ok.

I've been told many times that recovery will be a slow process and I understood that, but now thinking about it I'm just realizing how true those words are. My recovery will take a long time. I was naive enough to think that I could just make the decision to get better and everything would change. Apparently it doesn't work like that.

Recovery is slow.
It's hard.
It's making minuet by minuet decisions to get better.
It's painful.
Sometimes it makes me miserable. 
It can make me hate myself even more.
It's upsetting.
It can make me wish I'd never asked for help in the first place.

Recovery can be nice.
It can make me better.
It can make me like myself more.
My recovery is bringing me closer to God.

But it is so, so hard.
I have privilege of knowing that I can get better though. Not everyone will have this knowledge. Through out my recovery I can rest on the knowledge that God will help me. As a new christian that can be difficult at times, but I have my church supporting me. Yes I belong to a tiny church but they help so much, not many of them even know exactly what's going on, but they know somethings wrong.

This post has gone in a different direction than I first planned, but that's ok. I haven't quite figured out how Blogger works, so I'm not sure how many people see my posts, it probably tells me somewhere but I haven't really searched for it. So I don't know how many people will read this. But knowing God and having a relationship with him is my reason to keep on fighting. What I am fighting is hard, it really is. It's so, so hard but I know that God will never leave me or forsake me and he is in control of my life. By my own power I will never get better, I will never be truly free. But with God by my side, knowing Jesus, I will get better because He gives me strength to do so.

Yes recovery is hard. Someday I just want to give up, sometime I even forget that it was God who set me free from self harm. But at the end of the day God is with me, with that knowledge I know i can fight this.

It will take time, I get that now. But that's ok.

Ella.


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