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So it's been about a month an a half into my recovery and things are going ok.

I've been told many times that recovery will be a slow process and I understood that, but now thinking about it I'm just realizing how true those words are. My recovery will take a long time. I was naive enough to think that I could just make the decision to get better and everything would change. Apparently it doesn't work like that.

Recovery is slow.
It's hard.
It's making minuet by minuet decisions to get better.
It's painful.
Sometimes it makes me miserable. 
It can make me hate myself even more.
It's upsetting.
It can make me wish I'd never asked for help in the first place.

Recovery can be nice.
It can make me better.
It can make me like myself more.
My recovery is bringing me closer to God.

But it is so, so hard.
I have privilege of knowing that I can get better though. Not everyone will have this knowledge. Through out my recovery I can rest on the knowledge that God will help me. As a new christian that can be difficult at times, but I have my church supporting me. Yes I belong to a tiny church but they help so much, not many of them even know exactly what's going on, but they know somethings wrong.

This post has gone in a different direction than I first planned, but that's ok. I haven't quite figured out how Blogger works, so I'm not sure how many people see my posts, it probably tells me somewhere but I haven't really searched for it. So I don't know how many people will read this. But knowing God and having a relationship with him is my reason to keep on fighting. What I am fighting is hard, it really is. It's so, so hard but I know that God will never leave me or forsake me and he is in control of my life. By my own power I will never get better, I will never be truly free. But with God by my side, knowing Jesus, I will get better because He gives me strength to do so.

Yes recovery is hard. Someday I just want to give up, sometime I even forget that it was God who set me free from self harm. But at the end of the day God is with me, with that knowledge I know i can fight this.

It will take time, I get that now. But that's ok.



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Hiya all.

It's been a while since my last post hasn't it?

A lot has been happening in these past moths My life has taken a roller-coaster of a journey. One full of pain and excitement, love, self acceptance, hard conclusions and fear, lot of fear, it's been quite something.

During this time it might look like I've taken a break from blogging and in some ways this is true, I've taken a break from Acting Natural, but I've been blogging more than ever before.

So today I'd like to introduce you to Lost In The Story.

This is my main blog and is the reason I haven't posted in several moths, I've moved sites.

So why have I done this?

Reason one being that as a blogger I've started to expand and grow. I love Bloggers simplicity but as I started to write more I wished for more control of my blog and the only way I could do that was to move platforms. It's been a bit hard learning a much more complex system but I'm loving it.

I've also changed …

Shy girl speaks

In the movies the shy girl will speak.
She'll find a man that understands and she will be come brave.
Clenched hands she will rise to the stage,
Her audience a sea of those who doubted her.

In the movie she opens her mouth and starlight comes out.
An enigma unraveled in the pale blue of her voices.
People sit shocked, unable to move.
They listen to her voice like their new favorite tune.

In the movie she is loved.
They surround her in a summers embrace.
When the day turn grey they rush to her side.
Holding her close, her tears fall no more.

Life isn't a movie though, the shy girl won' be loved.
She will speak of course, but they're not listening.
Her voice isn't going to hold them captivate, no.
There won't be anyone to run to her side.

When the shy girl speaks it will be too late.
They've all gone home.
She knows deep down though, she wasn't welcome to begin with.
Her tears will fall, alone.


Growing up

Now that we've safely stumbled into May it is time for my college course to be coming to an end. My friends are off to start the next chapter of their lives at Uni, some are going to spend a year in full time work and others are taking a gap year to get a deeper understanding of how the world works.

As for me?

I have no idea what I'm doing next.

Sure I have plans and fall back options just encase I don't find something better to do, but realistically I don't know what I want to do.

University is out of the question as I'm not confident enough in my future to get myself into thousands of pounds of debt, I'm not really in a position to pay the several thousand for my discipleship year, nor have I got enough funds to pay for the higher education course that I wanted to do at college. I have got an unconditional offer on a place studying business at my current college for a year, this is just my fall back option though, but I am glad to have it there.

Believe in yo…