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One step at a time

So it turns out that I have anxiety to quite a big extent. After going to see a therapist yesterday and going over with them what had happened they came to the conclusion that most of my issues were more than likely caused by having anxiety that just wasn't being dealt with properly.

It was quite an encouraging but also upsetting yesterday. It was really nice to hear that they thought I had a shot at a full recovery from my eating disorder. They said it would be difficult but I sought help at the right time, but it did hurt to hear the true dangers of having an eating disorder. To have the facts laid out in front of you, rather brutally might I add, was difficult to hear. I think I'm still rather laid back about this, I think that because I know I can get better I'm not really seeing the dangers of what I'm doing. I'm refusing to see what could happen because I'm convinced it won't. I'm not sure if this is a good or a bad thing, chances are its bad.

Truth be told I don't think I have a proper eating disorder. I wouldn't say I'm skinny. I don't make myself sick after I've eaten. I don't exercise all the time. I look at my friends and see that I'm eating more than any of them! But the number on the scales says I'm under weight, my GP says that I have one, the therapist and the psychiatrist says that I have one, the nurse I saw even said the dreaded word anorexia. My mum says that I've lost too much weight. But then my friend turns round and says that I don't look under weight (I think they meant it in a encouraging way but man it hurt to hear that)

I don't think I have a problem at the moment and that is bad. I believe that I have anxiety and because I believe and accept that fact I can fight it. I don't think there is anything wrong with my eating at the moment, so why should I fight it?

Yesterday was so positive, it was so nice to hear that I was doing the right things to fight the eating disorder, it was encouraging. But today I just don't know what to do. Part of me wants to keep on fighting but the other just can't be bothered anymore. I stood on the scales when the nurse wanted to do a basic health check yesterday and I hadn't gained any weight. I had stayed the same... again. After everything that I had been trying to do, trying to eat more, to eat regularly, non of it had made a difference. All the emotional pain, the anger, the hurt, the worry, the feeling of success had not done a thing, nothing had changed, I was still exactly where I was when I was first told I had an eating disorder.

So that hurt, especially today.

 I can fight and deal with my anxiety, that will get better. I'm not sure if it will ever go, I'm not to sure if anxiety is a thing that people have for life or just for a period of there life. But I can deal and handle that. But I'm also worried about it. I was told yesterday that chances are that it was anxiety that led to me feeling the need to self harm. I dealt with that and fought that, I'm currently at 11 months clean from it. I fought self harm but anxiety was the problem. With out self harm I had nothing to deal with the anxiety that I didn't really know existed, so I developed an eating disorder to cope. If I fight my eating disorder and don't tackle my anxiety I will only find a new unhealthy way to cope. I will rise up from my eating disorder and chances are I will get knocked straight back to the ground with something new.

So I will have to find new motivation to fight my eating disorder. I'll look to God for that and I hope it won't be long till I get a new reason and new motivation to fight. But anxiety is my priority at the moment. I'm in a safe enough position that I can temporarily change my priority from my eating disorder to my anxiety.

This is a bigger fight than I ever imagined and I go along my journey to recovery more things are coming out of the wood work, but if I take small steps, one at a time, dealing with things one day at a time. I will get better and I will be ok.

Ella.

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