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Being scared of being you

My friendship group is a very loud, confident and out spoken group. They are lovely but they will always revolve around people who are as equally as confident as them. That can sometimes be a recipe for disaster, but somehow they pull it off. That's all well and good if you are confident yourself. Whilst I know I can be a very confident person I also know that I can be very quite and reserved, especially if I am having a bad day or if I am under a lot of stress with food that day.

In class I am confident, I don't mean the confident that involves me putting my hand up to answer every question my tutor asks (I rarely do that) But I am very confident in how I talk and interact with my peers and my tutors. This isn't really a bad thing. I seem to be able to fit in with my class to a certain extent. However out of class is a different story. When I'm in class I can distract my self from my views of my self, I keep myself so busy that I don't have much time to doubt or hate myself. but like I said, out of class however is a different story.

With my friends my doubts can spark again. It starts off small and grows like a forest fire, consuming everything that I do with them. Sometimes it can be a real battle and struggle just to stay with them. I know why I feel think way. For me i think that everyone hates me. Not in the way that everyone hates everything about me but in the way that people hate my personality. I'm scared that my friends think that I'm stupid or that they're only friends with me because they feel sorry for me. I'm scared that they think that I'm just stupid and annoying.

Because of this I try and act like then to an extent, what can be very difficult at times considering that I don't have too many shared interests with them. The down side of acting like them, or at least trying to, means that I can come across as very fake and annoying, this then makes things even more difficult as my paranoia with my friends increases.

I'm too scared to be me. I'm scared that other will dislike me. I know that I shouldn't really care about what others think of me, but I do. So if you're ever in the same position as me, scared of being you, you are not alone. I find comfort in that, and I hope you do too.



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Hiya all.

It's been a while since my last post hasn't it?

A lot has been happening in these past moths My life has taken a roller-coaster of a journey. One full of pain and excitement, love, self acceptance, hard conclusions and fear, lot of fear, it's been quite something.

During this time it might look like I've taken a break from blogging and in some ways this is true, I've taken a break from Acting Natural, but I've been blogging more than ever before.

So today I'd like to introduce you to Lost In The Story.

This is my main blog and is the reason I haven't posted in several moths, I've moved sites.

So why have I done this?

Reason one being that as a blogger I've started to expand and grow. I love Bloggers simplicity but as I started to write more I wished for more control of my blog and the only way I could do that was to move platforms. It's been a bit hard learning a much more complex system but I'm loving it.

I've also changed …

Shy girl speaks

In the movies the shy girl will speak.
She'll find a man that understands and she will be come brave.
Clenched hands she will rise to the stage,
Her audience a sea of those who doubted her.

In the movie she opens her mouth and starlight comes out.
An enigma unraveled in the pale blue of her voices.
People sit shocked, unable to move.
They listen to her voice like their new favorite tune.

In the movie she is loved.
They surround her in a summers embrace.
When the day turn grey they rush to her side.
Holding her close, her tears fall no more.

Life isn't a movie though, the shy girl won' be loved.
She will speak of course, but they're not listening.
Her voice isn't going to hold them captivate, no.
There won't be anyone to run to her side.

When the shy girl speaks it will be too late.
They've all gone home.
She knows deep down though, she wasn't welcome to begin with.
Her tears will fall, alone.


Growing up

Now that we've safely stumbled into May it is time for my college course to be coming to an end. My friends are off to start the next chapter of their lives at Uni, some are going to spend a year in full time work and others are taking a gap year to get a deeper understanding of how the world works.

As for me?

I have no idea what I'm doing next.

Sure I have plans and fall back options just encase I don't find something better to do, but realistically I don't know what I want to do.

University is out of the question as I'm not confident enough in my future to get myself into thousands of pounds of debt, I'm not really in a position to pay the several thousand for my discipleship year, nor have I got enough funds to pay for the higher education course that I wanted to do at college. I have got an unconditional offer on a place studying business at my current college for a year, this is just my fall back option though, but I am glad to have it there.

Believe in yo…