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Being scared of being you

My friendship group is a very loud, confident and out spoken group. They are lovely but they will always revolve around people who are as equally as confident as them. That can sometimes be a recipe for disaster, but somehow they pull it off. That's all well and good if you are confident yourself. Whilst I know I can be a very confident person I also know that I can be very quite and reserved, especially if I am having a bad day or if I am under a lot of stress with food that day.

In class I am confident, I don't mean the confident that involves me putting my hand up to answer every question my tutor asks (I rarely do that) But I am very confident in how I talk and interact with my peers and my tutors. This isn't really a bad thing. I seem to be able to fit in with my class to a certain extent. However out of class is a different story. When I'm in class I can distract my self from my views of my self, I keep myself so busy that I don't have much time to doubt or hate myself. but like I said, out of class however is a different story.

With my friends my doubts can spark again. It starts off small and grows like a forest fire, consuming everything that I do with them. Sometimes it can be a real battle and struggle just to stay with them. I know why I feel think way. For me i think that everyone hates me. Not in the way that everyone hates everything about me but in the way that people hate my personality. I'm scared that my friends think that I'm stupid or that they're only friends with me because they feel sorry for me. I'm scared that they think that I'm just stupid and annoying.

Because of this I try and act like then to an extent, what can be very difficult at times considering that I don't have too many shared interests with them. The down side of acting like them, or at least trying to, means that I can come across as very fake and annoying, this then makes things even more difficult as my paranoia with my friends increases.

I'm too scared to be me. I'm scared that other will dislike me. I know that I shouldn't really care about what others think of me, but I do. So if you're ever in the same position as me, scared of being you, you are not alone. I find comfort in that, and I hope you do too.

Ella

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